Former education minister George Abbot believes that “improved teacher training,” may be a viable solution with which to address the increased number of special needs students in classrooms.
While further education for instructors is always a positive move, this proposed initiative does not solve the dilemma of dividing one adult’s attention between 30 nine-year-olds, (including those with designated special needs), while also supporting other students who may have intellectual, social, emotional, behavioural challenges, learning disabilities, or giftedness – none of which may qualify for extra funding.
The solution is simple: scrap those human teachers, and have the school districts hire an army of octopuses.
According to Wikipedia, these cephalopods are “social creatures, with acute vision, and are the most intelligent and behaviourally flexible of all invertebrates.” Most importantly, they possess eight arms, allowing them to assist seven children with I.E.P.s, leaving one appendage for the other 13 students. Moreover, they can provide ink for pens, stamp pads, and artwork, while reserving plenty to splatter upon the government’s E-80 clause, which proposes that educators ignore two consecutive B.C. Supreme Court victories and the results of subsequent appeals.